Rob Bell Mars Hill

While Rob was waiting for them in Memphis, he was greatly distressed to see that the city was full of churches and not Hindu Temples and Buddhist Stuppas.  So he acquiesced in the coffee shops with both Goths and pagans, as well as in the media day by day with those who had no life outside their social networking websites.  A group of Reformed and Arminian preachers began to debate with him.  Some of them asked, “Where did you get those cool glasses?”  Others remarked “He seems to be advocating foreign gods” They said this because Rob was preaching the really special enlightened news that everyone is ok and already loved by god because they already are god!”  Then they took him to MSNBC and other big media sites, higher than all others, and said, “Tell us exactly what we want to hear!”  You are bringing some wonderfully soothing ideas to our ears, and we would like to be scratched behind the ears some more - purr, purr.  All the emergents who lived there spent their time doing nothing but listening to the Prophet Bono and being down with the poor, whatever that means.

Rob then posed provocatively in the high media place and said “Fellow Christ followers, whatever that means, I see that you are very spiritual, whatever that means.  For between shootings of my next pretentious video clip I saw that all of you and everyone in the world as well, worships something and even more -  it is so awesome that it is a non-exclusive, non-de script, non-judgmental, warm fuzzy that is in everything and everyone already” This prescription that you put on the altar  - “To an unknown God” is a perfect antidote to all those toxic and noxious churches littering your city.   I am amazed at how your enlightened selves are already aware of the spirituality of all things and I need to learn from you as I do from the Dahli Lama and Ken Wilbur and Marcus Borg, Spong, Schliermacher, Meister Eckhart and so many other spiritual giants”

“The god/goddess/consciousness that fills every atom of creation already is in charge of our happiness and self-fulfillment and wishes to bring the best to everyone, in a non-totalitarian way, and does converse with us, unlike those who meet in those buildings around town filled with the noxious orthodox faith.  And we must serve that warm fuzzy by redistributing the wealth and taking care of the environment.  Remember my peeps - we are the gospel - whatever that means.  (And did you know that if you take the Greek word evangelion and stew it like applesauce and then invert the meaning paradoxically and mystically - that it means exactly what I need it to mean?  But I digress...) did you know that when we breathe we are inhaling spirituality and then we exhale spirituality?  Why even Bin Laden is cool with the warm fuzzy/energy source/non - descript thingy out there.  Those toxic people in those churches probably would tell you that their totally totalitarian paternal being made everything and put everything where he wanted and had them live out as he planned - evil modernists!!!  But I know from reading that Eastern book, as least as filtered through layers of Gademer and Derrida, says something like “We are already ok with everything and everyone.  The Gita - err I mean the Bible, tells us that there really is no hell but if there was we make it up here, but I mean who can say for sure?  No hell - do I know that?  No hell - Did I really want to tell you about that?  I thought about that looking at  my co-exist dew rag...

So since everyone is really already cool with their own internal divine higher selves, we should not think that the divine source of all is self-existent and holy and judgmental - you know - all those things invented by Kant and Descartes.  In those totally totalizing colonial modernist dualistic foundationalist churches, they are slandering me daily.  This is so unfair - I told them I believed everything they believed, but that they are toxic and noxious and I, am merely humbly presenting the real new kind of Pagianity that somehow has been missed all these years.  It is so unfair to be slandered, especially when I went to such great lengths to not really take a position, except when I did, and then flip flopped on my flip-flopping.  

Since we are all cool with the diving fuzzy thing and we know that it is going to get better each and every day and that fuzzy things never tell us anything we don’t want to hear - I declare a moratorium for five years and then we should celebrate a non-judgment day!  We don’t need to talk about that bloody cross (broken springs don’t really hurt us do they?) and resurrection is all about nature coming back each spring like the goddess right?  And since those toxic modernists took all their stuff from our fellow mithras followers anyway – then someday we will all be one happy divine self - kind of like my spirit guide Ken Wilbur taught.  

When they heard about the oneness and divinity of all things, some of them sneered and declared him a wolf in sheep’s clothing and others said they couldn’t wait for the movie.    At that Rob left Memphis on his book/media tour.  Some of the people became followers of Rob.  Among them was Mouwius a member of the wolves guild and a woman named Tickle, and a number of other former sheep signed up for their own Nooma sutras...

Brad Jones

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